We get bored easily. Burnt out. It’s so hard to see a way out when you are in the trenches. It’s hard to see anything else when you are in the midst of a rough patch.
We’ve been moved into our home for over a month and a half, and for pretty much that entire time I have been at home on maternity leave. I slowly figured out a routine, where all the light switches are and what they do, and I spend the majority of my time in the main living room and kitchen of the house. This area has big front windows that overlooks a pond. It is a breathtaking and serene view! I stare out at it a lot while holding the baby.
On the hard days, I slouch in my recliner, upset and just looking out at the view. In these moments I feel so stuck in my current situation that the outside, the other side, appear extremely far and out of reach.
If the baby is fed, changed, and still not settling down yet, then Daniel will walk out on the front porch to give him a change of scenery. A different perspective for a change of pace. He calms down and loves it.
Sometimes I desperately need it too. Just a different look from the same four walls where I can only see the hard right in front of me.
It makes me think of Elijah. Upset about his circumstances and believing he could go on no longer, God told him to take a nap and fill his belly.
There have been times when I thought I couldn’t go on.
….And that is where I trailed off on this post I began writing two years ago. Maybe I got busy. Maybe things got worse. Looking back at the timestamps from my edits, things definitely did get worse at the end of 2024 for my family.
I found other things to write about as inspiration struck and different emotions and thoughts came and went. But I kept this saved in my drafts for a reason apparently. I had forgotten it was even there.
So, as I pick back up to write this month, with major considerations of deleting this website altogether with how I have been feeling lately about many things in my life, I find this in my drafts. When I read the part about Elijah, something resonated in my chest. Finally, I had a name, or an account that I could relate to with what has been happening lately.
I remember when I did a study on Elijah by Priscilla Shirer. I loved it! It had many fantastic points that resonated with me, but I do also recall that I was not in a weary and dry season at the time I did that study. It is now saved on my bookshelf for those times, and I probably, most definitely, need to revisit her study on Elijah.
Last month I kept pushing my reminder to write a blog post. No sparks came. Ideas didn’t seem well thought out enough nor did I have the time or make time to bring anything together on the page. For a few months now I have been discouraged about what to say, and frankly, I often feel like I’m wasting my time writing anything. I don’t have a whole lot of free time, and writing for no one to read it, or even care, seemed like a perfectly excellent way to waste the few moments I have to myself.
Before I made the final decision to shut down my site permanently, my renewal fee hit my credit card and I believed it be a sign to keep going for now. I also had been waiting on some answers from God in other areas of my life where I feel like I’m failing, and just didn’t know if I’m the right person to keep doing the job.
I didn’t want to make the wrong choice if I were to give something up and let God down. I also did not want to stay in a position longer than I am meant to be either, especially if I’m not able to do it well. If you’ve ever served in a ministry for a period of time, I’m sure you can relate to the doubts of if you should stay there or go do something else.
My heart has been heavy about several decisions. I didn’t have a clear direction after praying on what to do about it yet, knowing I would have to provide answers soon. Ministry fatigue is real, and in this weary, heavy season, this post that was saved in my drafts led me back to Elijah.
After Elijah destroys the prophets of Baal, Ahab tells his wife Jezebel what Elijah had done. Elijah flees when he receives Jezebel’s threat on his life. 1 Kings 19 relays what happens to Elijah as he hides out in the wilderness. He is exhausted from running and is ready to give up.
“But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness and came and sat under a broom tree. And he asked that he might die, saying ‘It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers.’ And he lay down and slept under a broom tree. And behold, an angel touched him and said to him, ‘Arise and eat.’ And he looked and behold, there was at his head a cake baked on hot stones and a jar of water. And he ate and drank and lay down again. And the angel of the Lord came again a second time and touched him and said, ‘Arise and eat, for the journey is too great for you.’ And he arose and ate and drank, and went in the strength of the that food forty days and forty nights to Horeb, the mount of God.” -1 Kings 19: 4-8
Praise God I have not experienced running for my life to this day, and I know I have hardly anything that is comparable to Elijah’s circumstances. I do know what it is like to be exhausted and hungry though. I do know what it feels like to wish to quit and give up. Elijah was so stuck in his circumstance that he could not see out from his basic needs. God knew he needed rest and food. Instead of granting Elijah’s wish of death, God provided exactly what Elijah needed to keep going, and once those needs were met, Elijah was able to keep going.
The call for current church officers and volunteers to circle yes or no always happens around Vacation Bible School time. The week before VBS and the week of it are stressful and exhausting. I’m mentally and physically drained during both weeks as I run around trying to make sure we have all that we need for some kiddos to have a fun, safe, and educational week. As we decorate the week before, I often think, “Nope. I’m circling no on that sheet. This is the last year for me.”
From past experience and rereading 1 Kings 19, I have learned to wait until those two weeks are over before making any decisions. In addition to the busyness of VBS this year, we decided to plan a youth weekend the day after VBS was over. It happened to be the only weekend that worked for scheduling purposes, and Daniel and I had felt we were lacking in our duties as youth leaders. Since we took over the youth four years ago, we had yet to attempt an overnight experience with them. Until last month.
I was unable to go, and our other chaperone options fell through too, so it fell on Daniel to be the only adult taking a small group of boys to the mountains for a weekend. Before they left on that Friday, Daniel begged me to cancel the trip. He was overwhelmed with work and exhausted, and concerned that no other adult would be there in case of an emergency. It was too late to get our money back on the house we rented, so the trip must go on, but he went into that weekend believing we would be saying no as youth leaders for the upcoming year. It had nothing to do with the boys, but much to do with our work circumstances and growing responsibilities as we prepare to be a family of four.
Prayerfully, they all made it back safe and sound, and from what I was told by Daniel and the boys, they had a wonderful time. Despite lower numbers at VBS this year, it also finished well with no bumps in the road. Once Daniel and I both were able to rest, recharge our social batteries, and eat a meal that was not geared towards small children, we still felt no call from the Lord to move from our current positions for this upcoming church year. We circled yes, and already have new ideas on what to implement starting in the fall.
God knows what our needs are before we do. He knows what to provide and when to provide it. When we feel like throwing in the towel, God will provide an answer, and sometimes it is what we need to pick up that towel and keep going.
Sometimes I do need a nap and a little snack to change my whole mood, just like Elijah. Sometimes I need more than that too, and so did Elijah and 1 Kings 19 continues to detail what else God provided.
“There he came to a cave and lodged in it. And behold, the word of the Lord came to him, and he said to him, ‘What are you doing here, Elijah?’ He said, ‘I have been very jealous for the Lord, the God of hosts. For the people of Israel have forsaken your covenant, thrown down your altars, and killed your prophets with the sword, and I, even I only, am left, and they seek my life, to take it away.’ And he said, ‘Go out and stand on the mount before the Lord.’ And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake, a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper. And when Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave. And behold, there came a voice to him and said, ‘What are you doing here, Elijah?’ He said, ‘I have been very jealous for the Lord, the God of hosts. For the people of Israel have forsaken your covenant, thrown down your altars, and killed your prophets with the sword, and I, even I only, am left, and they seek my life, to take it away.’ And the Lord said to him, ‘Go, return on your way to the wilderness of Damascus. And when you arrive, you shall anoint Hazael to be king over Syria. And Jehu the son Nimshi you shall anoint to be king over Israel, and Elisha the son of Shaphat of Abel-meholah you shall anoint to be prophet in your place. And the one who escapes from the sword of Hazael shall Jehu put to death, and the one who escapes from the sword of Jehu shall Elisha put to death. Yet I will leave seven thousand in Israel, all the knees that have not bowed to Baal, and every mouth that has not kissed him.'” -1 Kings 9-18
This passage is just too good not to include in its entirety. After Elijah was fed and rested, he goes up to a cave and encounters God. God knew what Elijah needed and He already knew what had happened before Elijah tells God not only what happened but his perspective on the situation. Elijah believed he was the only one left fighting the good fight for the Lord. The Lord not only gives Elijah a change of perspective, but also a plan that reveals he is not the last one. He gives Elijah a successor and tells him that after it all unfolds from the anointments, there will still be seven thousand people left in Israel who have not turned their backs on the Lord.
In our moments of fatigue and despair, God sends us what we need. He sends us reminders we are not alone, and also, that He is not finished with us. I have not heard God in the big moments like the wind, an earthquake, or a fire. More often that not, His word comes to me in the quiet moments, the low whisper, when my belly is full, body is rested, and my mind is clear and able to hear what He wishes me to hear. Our God is amazing and knows what we need before we even know ourselves.
During this most recent season of ministry, I wasn’t given a plan for a successor to take my place in where I’m currently serving. Instead, God provided me with ideas on how to improve the areas where I am. He also sent me reminders of other people in my church family who faithfully serve Him and were willing to help at Vacation Bible School. It’s not my time to move on to something different, but instead, improve what I’m already familiar with versus learning a completely new ministry area. I’m grateful God knows what is coming up for us in this next year and trusting He knows what is best, especially as my husband and I learn how to navigate adding another member to our growing family.
Mirror, Mirror 