It’s been a while since I sat down to write. I know, shame on me. My explanation is lame, but school occupied my time these past few months. It certainly was not all fun and games. I learned a great deal, but I learned mostly about myself. You see, these past few months I have been a Doubting Thomas. I was always worried it would happen, especially since my last name is Thomas. It is a fear from when I was a little girl. When I heard the story as a child, my eyes grew wide and little me started panicking: “I don’t want to be a Doubting Thomas!”
Thomas the Disciple obtained the nickname Doubting Thomas because he doubted Jesus’s resurrection from the dead three days after the crucifixion. John 20:24-29 reads:
Now Thomas, one of the twelve, called the Twin, was not with them when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord.” But he said to them, “Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe.” Eight days later, his disciples were inside again, and Thomas was with them. Although the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you.” Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here, and see my hands; and put out your hand, and place it in my side. Do not disbelieve, but believe.” Thomas answered him, “My Lord and my God!” Jesus said to him, “Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”
My Doubting Thomas moment was not the same as the one above; however, mine is applicable to living in the time after Jesus walked the earth.
These past few months, extending back to August, have been a test of faith. The problem started as something simple. My work load for my classes was on the hefty side. I wasn’t too concerned because I understood all the material, but was losing sleep due to the extensive reading and assignments. Next, my grades began to slip. No matter how hard I worked on something it just was not good enough. The stress led to more lost sleep.
I was doing all I could when my grades started slipping and doubt began creeping in. I began to doubt myself, my intelligence, and whether or not I should even continue pursuing my major. Some days I just laid in bed and cried. My downward spiral went from considering dropping a class to dropping out of school entirely.
I wanted to quit desperately. I felt lost. I doubted myself and it led me to doubting God’s plan for me.
When the going got tough, I wanted to give up. Although I believe in Jesus Christ without ever physically seeing in the flesh, I doubted the power of His miracles. I doubted God’s power. I doubted His plan for my life because I was struggling.
Without God, I fail. Without faith, I doubt. Seeing is not believing, but it is humbling.
At the end of the semester, I was humbled.
I was elected President of my Christian service sorority. My paper I worked diligently on was accepted at a conference. My final grades ended up as Straight A’s.
It was proof that I am where I am supposed to be.
It seemed impossible and I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw my grades. Before the day they were due, I checked my student portal and calculated what they should have been. I had already accepted the less than perfect marks, so I was pleasantly surprised when I was proved wrong.
I swear I could hear God laughing at me for my doubts. That moment made me remember John 20:24-29. Jesus told Thomas, “Put your finger here, and see my hands; and put out your hand, and place it in my side. Do not disbelieve, but believe.” Becoming president of Alpha Delta Theta, getting my paper accepted, and my final grades were like Jesus telling me “do not disbelieve, but believe.”
I doubted God’s plan for me and it started as me doubting myself. I never stopped believing in Jesus but I had a moment of weakness in doubting and disbelieving the plan God has for my life.
I tried hard not to be a Doubting Thomas but the doubt crept in my life in other ways. It’s easy to do and sometimes you don’t even notice it happening. Just because you are blessed for believing without ever physically seeing Jesus, don’t think Satan won’t tempt you to doubt God in other ways. Keep the faith and keep God first.
Proverbs 3:5-6 says “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”
Trust the Lord, don’t doubt! He will keep your path straight because He alone knows the way.
Again, I apologize for the delayed post but I had some lessons to learn these past few months and I can’t wait to keep sharing the awesome things God has been doing in my life.