There are several points in the year that are unusually packed with events, and those times of year differ from family to family. However, the end of the year, October through December, are probably something we all have in common in terms of busyness. My calendar is packed with two October birthdays and Halloween/fall festivals, a November birthday and Thanksgiving, and then THREE December birthdays and all the Christmas holiday things. And one of those birthdays is on Christmas eve. Talk about a double whammy. We are EXHAUSTED by the end of December 25th, and crawling towards the new year.
This is my favorite time of year. I will brave the cold weather and losing daylight at 5PM for these months that usually bring so much joy, thanksgiving, sweet memories, and celebration. But they also are some of the hardest months for many families too, especially when you are grieving, depressed, and/or struggling.
I recently celebrated my first birthday without my Mawmaw. One of my sweet friends texted me the day before asking how I felt about turning 28, and all I could really think about is how my mawmaw wasn’t here to see it. We are coming up the anniversary of her passing December 7th. Last year was difficult, but I’m heading into these holiday seasons knowing for sure she won’t be here. Last year it was up in the air. We weren’t sure about Thanksgiving, and then she was still hanging on in the hospital. Then we entered December and everything just got worse. My mind was still reeling with how we got to that point in the first place.
But this year. The shock and disbelief has worn off, and the achy feeling in my chest is relentless. As we start to think about plans for thanksgiving, Christmas, and birthdays, I’m excited but also dreading things at the same time. I’m so excited to see my little boy be interested and excited over Christmas decorations, and I’m trying not to think about the tree my mawmaw put up every year that was covered in pictures of my brother and me. I broke my rule of no Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving this year so we can enjoy the magic longer. I’ll never get tired of my son dancing to the singing snowman he wants to play over and over. And then I’ll see a red cardinal and my breath stops for a moment as I try not to cry because I’m thinking about how much Mawmaw loved those birds and the color red.
My heart is joyful and also heavy, and the range of emotions is worse than the postpartum haze I felt last year. Things hit me at different times and sometimes I just want to throw a coffee mug across the room. I don’t, but the feeling is there.
I get overwhelmed looking at things in her house as we try to help clean out some things for my pawpaw. We do it in spurts and when time permits, but this week I found the one thing I needed to find that I wasn’t even looking for. In a mess of things we went down a rabbit hole looking for, I found the blessing jar I gifted Mawmaw several years ago. I had written a whole blog about how to use the blessing jar, and that each day to write down something you were thankful for, especially during November leading up to Thanksgiving. The purpose was to find a blessing each and every day because God has given us an abundance of them and praise for Him shall always be on our lips.
Well my blessing jar is collecting dust at the moment, and while hers too had been in storage, I opened it up and began reading even though I probably should have been helping my mom clean up the mess we made in my pawpaw’s spare bedroom. Oops.
I would recognize her handwriting anywhere. The paper slips dated back to 2018 and 2019, right after I gifted it to her at Christmas in 2018. There weren’t a ton in there, but the dates spread over several months. I didn’t read them in order, but I sat on the floor and read all of them. Selfishly, I was really sad my name was not on one of them. I know she loved me and was thankful for me, but I had hoped to see my name in her handwriting in that jar. There were some obvious ones-Pawpaw, my dad, her house- but also ones that we seem to forget about and take for granted often. She wrote being able to pay bills, waking up in the morning, hearing the morning birds, HEALTH, being able to move our bodies, and one that made me smile: good spaghetti. Oh man, I loved her spaghetti. Growing up, if I found out she was making spaghetti that night, I was staying for dinner. Good spaghetti is definitely something to be thankful over.
This week also happened to be the anniversary of her entering the hospital for the last time. She never came home after my parents took her on November 11, 2024. I knew it wasn’t good when it happened. I knew there was a very real chance she would not make it to the end of the year, and she died in less than a month. The entire situation is hitting me harder now because I have had time to process it. Instead of living in it, I’m having to remember what came next and I know how that story ends.
She won’t be at the table for Thanksgiving. I’m not going to see her at Christmas brunch. She has missed so many of my son’s milestones in his first year of life. It’s one thing to think about a loved one missing your own milestones and achievements, but missing my child’s? I was not ready for that kind of pain.
I came up with the blessing jar idea to encourage a prayer of thanksgiving to be first on our minds over the negative things we tend to sit on. My mawmaw was one of the most positive people I know. Sure, she got sad and depressed at times, but her light was so contagious and she was very good at looking to the positive, sunny bright side. Why she called me her sunshine, I don’t know, because I felt like I was a rain cloud compared to her. She praised and thanked God continually.
I’m struggling in this first year without her, but even though I haven’t been writing down blessings for the jar, I’m doing my best to look on the bright side, to think on all the beautiful blessings God has given me, and to live in the joy and peace that is Christ Jesus. I may not be happy all the time, but because I am a child of God and know Jesus in my heart as my Lord and Savior, that joy keeps me going. God also sent me an adorable baby boy who has gotten pretty fast in moving around and keeps me occupied too.
These are busy times ahead of us. The busy calendars sometimes numb the pain and sadness we have, and it’s the quiet moments that get us in tears. I’m thankful for both. Again, selfishly, I wish my mawmaw were here so I could hug her and watch her light up at my son walking around now, but I am also at peace knowing without a doubt she is in no more pain and living eternally with Jesus. My limited human brain cannot fathom what all heaven will be like and only know what I have here on earth now, but praise God that He sent His Son that we may have a way to live forever with Him.
This is a joyful time of year not because of the material gifts, busy schedules, twinkling lights, family time, and great food. Those things are only add-ons to the one true King we celebrate, who humbled Himself to be born here on earth, to live a perfect life and to take our place on the cross so we may have the opportunity to reunite with our Heavenly Father. That is real love! We have the ability to love because He first loved us (1 John 4:19).
It’s so easy to get swept up in the present buying, charity serving, church events, Christmas decorations, family schedules, and all that comes with these holidays, but just as much as we look forward to those things, they again are add-ons. Some are dreading those same family get togethers for various reasons, and while I have a mixture, I’m reminding myself all of those things are just extra to the true meaning of Thanksgiving and Christmas.
We give thanks to Him who has given us everything that is good. We worship at Christmas to celebrate the birth of Christ. May we never forget and keep God first in all that we do.
“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”
– 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Mirror, Mirror 