I’ve struggled my entire life attempting to fit in, be included, or even feel wanted. I grew up being taught to treat others the way you want to be treated, and was so hurt when I did not receive back the same love and attention to detail. My parents and grandparents were always there for me, and I just couldn’t understand why anyone outside of that group just didn’t want me. Now, I’m navigating a world minus one of those people and there is no time to grieve or fall apart because church, work, my house, and family need me to keep going.
“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” -Matthew 7:12
I constantly feel like I’m on the outside looking in and the last to know about any news or invitations (if we get invited at all). We get told it isn’t intentional, which I think might be worse because it tells me we just aren’t thought of at all.
Social media is terrible in this regard. I’ve considered deleting it multiple times, and maybe I should. I just don’t know how else I will post my blogs anymore if I do. My social media feed tells me things I probably would have been better off not knowing about friends and family. I see how others get treated or if they were invited. I see who is made a priority in people’s lives that I would drop everything for in a heartbeat.
I sit around wondering what is wrong with me? Why do I need to be the first to always reach out to people? Why do some not want to make plans with me or come and see me? Did I do something wrong? Am I too much or just not fun at all?
Daniel and I will get texts and phone calls if friends or family need us, but not usually for fun outings or trips. We have people cancel on us when we do schedule, or they take forever to say yes and leave us hanging until the last minute. But then we are expected to be flexible for others.
I see how others got treated after having a baby, or when they got married, and how we did not get the same consideration from family or friends or people we considered like family at one point in our lives.
And when we dare ask for help? Every excuse in the book gets used and amnesia appears for when we bent over backwards trying to help them in their time of need. I’m really struggling not to be bitter and angry. I’m trying to keep my head above the surface, but the water laps over my head sometimes, and the song Desperate by Jamie MacDonald runs on a loop in my mind. In those moments, I feel like such a burden when I do try to ask for help, and even more rejected when told no.
I then don’t even recognize myself anymore, know who I am, or what to do next. The only thing that becomes a comfort is fantasizing quitting all my responsibilities and just be at home to keep my child. I’m left feeling empty, betrayed, abandoned, lonely, and unappreciated.
And within the midst of all these varying emotions from the past couple of months, this came to mind:
Jesus was betrayed by a close friend and denied by another. People who He ran to help, shouted crucify Him later on. How alone did He feel in that moment? People that were considered friends or brothers turned their back on Him.
I imagine God understands these emotions as well when a child walks away from Him after all He has done, or chooses someone or something else to spend their time with.
And that’s when it hit me. Maybe I’m feeling all of this as a reminder that only God is worthy of all my praise. It is His steadfast love that endures forever that keeps us going, not coffee chats with friends, or vacations with family.
The things I have been so upset over about being univited or left out have become a fixation and taken my eyes off who has never left or forsaken me. Our Heavenly Father.
The thought alone and time in prayer has taken some of the air out of those hurt feelings towards family and friends. I still have some wounds, but I’m working on dispelling the bitterness and anger when new issues and past hurts rear their ugly head.
How often have we turned our focus to other things or people that brought us further away from God? Time with friends and family is not bad at all; however, when it becomes the center of our thinking and desires, we then are drawn away from God.
My identity should not be wrapped up in being a sister (biological or through marriage), a friend or wondering how to be a best one, or aunt/cousin/ any other label to anyone in between. I should not be obsessed with invites or focusing on if someone slighted me or my family of three.
I believe all of these are important, but I am beginning to realize that when I let these thoughts consume me, I could not shake my bitterness, loneliness, or anger. My prayer life felt distant and it became clear that I had focused too much on worrying about who is not contacting me or leaving me out that I left God out of my worries and concerns when He is the answer to all of them.
I do become the problem when I put the focus on me and wonder why I am not being served by others just because I’ve been there for them. I missed the point that I should be joyful in all that I do and the reason to go the extra mile, to serve others, is because of Jesus. I shouldn’t do things for others hoping it will make them think of me more, or want to be around me, or at the core of why I do it sometimes, love me. My intentions should be because Jesus first loved us and I wish to be the hands and feet of Him.
“Let all that you do be done in love.” – 1 Corinthians 16:14
“We love because he first loved us.” – 1 John 4:19
Dear Jesus, thank you for all the blessings you have given me: a roof over my head, a beautiful husband and son, and food in my belly, just to name a few. You meet all my needs and fill the desires of my heart that are good for me because you are a good God! Forgive me for the times I have taken my focus off on you when I felt lonely and wondered why no one considered me their best friend. You were always there. Forgive me when I felt like the “other” one in our families and left out because I forgot I was always dear to you. Forgive me when I felt lost in motherhood not knowing who I am outside of being a mom because I am made in your image and my identity rests in you. Forgive me for when my selfish flesh gets in the way and blinds my heart to Your truth. Thank you for your unconditional love and taking the broken parts in my life to point me back to You.
Mirror, Mirror 