I started writing this back in February, but due to the title of this blog, several things have happened over the past couple of months to delay it getting posted. So, maybe I’ll get around to posting a few more blogs this month to make up for not doing it the past two.
I’ve been back to work full time for over 3 months now, and maybe it’s the lack of sleep or me truly understanding how little time I now have in a day, but my tolerance for things has gone way down.
I wouldn’t say I’m a super confrontational person. My husband told me the other day I certainly speak my mind and let my opinion be known, and I’m thinking it wasn’t exactly a compliment, but I do know I internalize a lot of things and don’t let many people outside of my household (or my mom) know when someone has upset me. If I’m not married to you, didn’t give birth to you, and/or your name is not on my birth certificate, and if you hurt my feelings, then you most likely will not know it or hear it from me directly. On a rare occasion I’ve had a conversation with a friend or another family member, but most of the time, I just get distant. Is that a great coping skill or probably what I should be doing? No, but I’m trying to work on it in a way that honors God and brings a solution that benefits both parties.
But at work, those vendors who don’t have a lick of brain cells to add the numbers they are supposed to in the accounting departments, or the telemarketers calling about credit cards or trying to sell me a better freight carrier, and the customers who are not hurting for money and just can’t seem to pay their bills on time…there is a strong chance you will hear from me. I’m the first person to answer the phones or receive salesmen at the door. It certainly isn’t my favorite thing to do, and sometimes it takes all I have to be polite, especially over the phone.
There was one time a freight carrier trying to get me to switch got a bit of my sass. He wanted to speak to someone in charge of shipping and when I told him that was me, but that we weren’t interested after hearing his sales pitch, he rudely asked to speak to my supervisor. I didn’t respond ugly, but that he had reached the end of the line, the answer remained no, and that I hope he has the day he deserves.
I don’t usually lose my cool with vendors, customers’ AP department, or walk-ins who arrive at the most inconvenient times. I pride myself on maintaining a professional and positive tone at work, but a few weeks ago, running on little sleep, I about fired off a rude and pompous email to a vendor who came across in the wrong tone to me about how our payment was applied. She still did not understand even after I provided in painstakingly detail of what she said she needed (but truly didn’t if she just looked on her end), and was rude again.
I’m embarrassed to say my email response is still sitting in the draft folder, tempting me to send. The one where I basically let her know how dumb she is, to use common sense, or at least a calculator, but in a sickly sweet condescending way where you know someone is insulting you to the nth degree. If she were genuinely confused on what to do, I’d be more understanding. However, the rude tone really sent me over the edge which fired up my hackles as I typed.
It was a Friday afternoon. I didn’t hit send, even though my fingers twitched over the keyboard. I promise to hit delete on the draft after I publish this post. I’m letting it hold me accountable for my actions by telling on myself. As badly as I wanted to hit send, I felt the Holy Spirit nudge my heart, asking if my response would lead to a positive solution and honor God, or would it most likely just make the recipient feel bad going into the weekend. And if she were anything like me, dwell on the rude/mean message for days, and possibly cry about it.
My answer to that was certainly the latter. My flesh was itching to redeem my intelligence and put this woman straight about her own. I just couldn’t hit send and feel good about my response. I once had a former co-worker teach a devotion that posed the question, what happens when you squeeze a Christian? Does the world or Christ come out in those trials we face?
When the woman sent me that email, the conditions were definitely favorable for a Raegan Rage Reply. I was tired, annoyed with other problems that contine to pop up keeping me from finishing my normal tasks at work, the chores at home were waiting for me after I would clock out, and I was a volcano waiting to erupt.
I like and appreciate effective and open communication at work. I hate open ended problems or lingering projects left on the to-do list.
I also really hate unsolved problems and issues in my personal life. I like bows and things wrapped up nicely with no lingering hurt feelings.
The biggest lesson I’m trying to learn, at work and in my personal life, is how to advocate for myself in a way that glorifies God, and also know when sometimes it is best just to walk away. Before becoming a mom, letting people walk over me was more common than I cared to admit, but now I have been given the most precious job to advocate and protect a little boy as well. I have to get better in speaking up not only for myself, but also be prepared to be able to do it for him as well.
My prayer is to say what needs to be said but consistently in a way that points people to Jesus, and for me to have the courage in every scenario to righteously fight for my little family. Even if that means walking away in silence and choosing to not respond in some cases.
“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly. The eyes of the Lord are in every place, keeping watch on the evil and the good. A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit. A fool despises his father’s instruction, but whoever heeds reproof is prudent.”
-Proverbs 15: 1-5
Mirror, Mirror 