I’ve written about my husband a good bit, and pretty much it has all been praise and admiration because I really do have a good one. He is far from perfect, and I know at the end of the day he truly loves me and supports me. We choose to love each other every day.
But…some days are very hard. Especially when we run on little sleep and are adjusting to huge lifestyle changes, even if that change is pretty awesome. And the days are exceptionally more difficult when I have postpartum emotions coursing through my healing body.
And, well, Daniel sometimes just doesn’t say the right things. Or phrase them the way he meant for them to be received. And one of his latest slip-ups just happened to be with my best friend as a witness.
All three of us were chatting, she was rocking my child, and somehow we got on the topic of hobbies and how Daniel has the freedom to go and do what he wants while I don’t have that luxury as a breastfeeding mama right now. And my loving husband decided at that moment in our discussion, he would say…
“Well, Raegan doesn’t have any hobbies.”
My eyes widened and I just stared at him, then to my friend. I can’t remember exactly her response but it was something along the lines, “oh, buddy you didn’t mean that,” or “ you’ll never forget saying that, but certainly regret it.”
He didn’t mean for it to be insulting, and to be honest, it has been a while since I would read a book for myself or craft something just because I wanted to and not as a gift for someone else. I guess for the past year or so I haven’t really had any hobbies outside of work and getting ready for Declan/ taking care of him once he arrived.
When I have had downtime, I’ve watched lots of TV, shopped on my phone for our house and baby, and occassionaly went to workout (when I had some energy or even felt like it, which has been rare). There have been some moments where I’ve squeezed in a craft or two, making ornaments out of Declan’s footprints or a canvas picture for memories because he’ll never be this little again.
Now that I’m back to working full time there is even less time in the day to get things done. Between keeping the house going, planning weekly meals, and soaking up time with Declan in the evenings, my energy is then spent and all I want to do is sleep before the next feeding.
Daniel has offered for me to go out and do something for myself, but I just can’t even think of something I’d even want to go do right now without husband or baby.
So while the way he said it didn’t come out right, Daniel was pretty much right in saying I don’t have any hobbies. I just can’t see beyond doing what needs to get done right now whether it is for Declan, managing the house, or work and church responsibilites.
There isn’t room for much else, even if I did have the energy or time. And some days I do miss my old self going to do whatever I wanted when I wanted, but that is on the days I’m overstimulated and running on little sleep. And often when I’m having a really rough day trying to find an outfit I feel confident in or even remotely like. The struggle with body changes and identity shift is no joke after having a baby.
On my best days, in the sweetest moments, there is nothing I want to do more than rock my child. Seeing his smile, hearing his laugh, or just praying over him while he sleeps has become some of my all time favorite things. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
One day I might write a book again. One day I might get back to a regular workout schedule. One day I might feel like more than just a mom. One day I might get some old hobbies back, or start some new ones. One day I might not cry when I look in the mirror or get on the scale.
I’ve followed Lindsey Gurk and the company she started, Get Your Pink Back, for a while now. She is inspiring and encouraging to all moms, and also really funny and entertaining too. Her apparel company is about reminding mamas that they will get their pink back! Flamingos lose their pink color while they are raising their babies because they are depleting lots of nutrients in caring for littles.
Kind of like human mamas too. We give all we got to our children, especially extra in those early years where they need us all the time. But over time, our bodies heal, our hormones regulate, and we start to feel like ourselves again.
But for now, this is what I am supposed to do and what I was made for: being the best mommy I can be to my little boy. I make it a habit to praise God for this gift of motherhood everyday. I’m not going to wish this time away because even in the rock bottom moments, we will never get this time back when he is so small. When he smiles at me, I don’t think about the stretch marks or the lack of sleep. When he falls asleep on my lap, I’m not thinking about how I didn’t get to do what I wanted that day. When he babbles and laughs, I’m not thinking about my job or the dishes sitting in the sink for me.
I’ll blink and he will be grown, and I’ll probably then miss the nights I didn’t sleep through because he needed me those every few hours. It’s so hard to picture what my life was like before he came! So here is to the mamas who don’t have any hobbies right now because their worlds are rocked with love for their littles. This season is special and before we know it, we’ll be in the next one wishing for this one back. Getting our pink back will be great, but these early stages of mamahood is a fantastic color too.
*I am not associated with Lindsey Gurk’s company in any way or an official promoter. Just a mama who admires her commitment to encouraging other moms!
Mirror, Mirror 