The Goodness of God

When I was little, my parents took me to a dinner and a concert where Newsong and BeBe and CeCe Winans were performing. I was so excited because I got to wear this beautiful, twirling, perfect red Christmas dress. My mom’s parents and their parents went with us too. I got to hear music and have a special night with my parents, grandparents, and great grandparents! What could be better? Oh yeah, it was to be a secret from my little brother (he was just too little at the time and it would have been too late for him to stay out). I got to dress up and be the only grandchild there, so of course I was excited. Not only did I get to dance with my daddy at this event, I also got to meet some of the performers afterwards.

We stood in line and I just could not take my eyes off this beautiful woman I heard. I loved to sing as a child and this woman’s voice was inspirational to me. I got to meet her, take a picture with her and her brother, hug her, and she told me how beautiful my red dress was that night. My mom told me I just kept flocking back to her during the meet and greet. I kept that picture in a safe location in my room.

But as I got older the details of that night began to fade and I mostly just remembered the red dress, having to keep it a secret from Masden, and that I got to dance. The picture was put in storage and I no longer remembered that woman’s name.

This year I have been hooked on CeCe Winans’ song, “Goodness of God.” I sing it in the car, to my son, at the sink, in the backyard, and whenever and wherever it comes to my mind. When I’m with my mom she turns any of CeCe’s songs up on the radio when they come on. As an adult I just knew I liked the music, and then when I mentioned it to my mom about how much I loved the “Goodness of God” song, she reminded me of that special night and it started coming flooding back.

I had forgotten that I met this woman as a young girl! I had not put two and two together, so now when I sing it for the glorifying lyrics I also get to remember that sweet childhood memory.

That’s a God moment.

You see, I needed that song in my life this year. This exceptionally beautiful but also very trying, hard, and heartbreaking year. I needed the reminder of the goodness of God and how faithful He has been my whole life. His mercy certainly has been running after me, just as her song says.

I cry this song out during the lowest of lows: when I’m sad, feel like I have no identity and no longer recognize myself, when I’m alone, and when my heart grieves for all the things and people I have lost.

This year has been beautiful but also painful and overwhelming in good and not so great, yet all unforseen curveballs that knocked me off my feet with bumps and bruises.

But I have definitely lived in the goodness of God and I have felt Him close on some pretty dark nights.

I sing it to myself when I look in the mirror not recognizing the person staring back at me.

I sing it while tears stream down my face washing dishes in the middle of the night.

I sing it when I feel so overstimulated and my heart is so burdened.

I sing it when I feel left out, wronged, or when I feel like someone has slighted my son or husband.

I sing it on the good days after stroller walks around the house.

I sing it to my baby as he smiles back at me with so much love.

I sing it as we dance around the living room with the Christmas tree glowing.

I sing it to soothe him back to sleep. I sing it to soothe my soul.

I’m not sure how someone can make it without leaning on God through postpartum, or grieving the loss of someone you loved dearly because some days I feel like I can barely stand on my own two feet, let alone take care of a tiny human. Those two things are difficult enough on their own, but together it is an even wilder roller coaster of emotions. To add it being a season of my baby’s first Christmas and our first without my Mawmaw, I’m all over the place with how I feel day to day. Some days I can only get out of bed to feed my son and that was about all I can handle.

All I know is that I have seen and lived the sweet goodness of God, and I am ashamed of what little I have done to give back to my savior who rescued me, sacrificed himself for my sins when I did absolutely nothing to deserve it. He has been there for me during some pretty dark days, and He still holds my hand on the brightest ones too.

Oh Lord, your mercy has never failed me and you are always good, for your steadfast love endures forever.

It’s been a very blessed year with a bittersweet ending, and I thank God for all of it, but most importantly for the time I was gifted with those I love. I also praise Him for forgotten childhood memories that resurface when I need them the most, and for singers like CeCe Winans who inspire us to worship God wherever we are in this gift of life.