If you asked my preference for beach or mountains, I’d probably say mountains. I have nothing against the beach, and I do enjoy it, but I’m slightly more inclined to head to the mountains than the beach. Something about the scenery (especially the cooler temperatures while pregnant in the summer), curvy roads, and I don’t have to worry about packing a bathing suit or how I might look in one.
But do I love standing in front of life’s metaphorical mountains? Nope. Not one bit. The panicky, sweaty feeling when I see the mountain of responsibility grow is far down on my list of favorites. It can be great things you were looking forward to, but then all of a sudden they all pile up and the mountain you face is daunting.
Lately I’ve definitely felt like I’m staring at a huge mountain and feeling like I have no idea what to do. It’s more than just that panic feeling but the paralyzed, don’t know where to start type of thing. Between counting down the last weeks of pregnancy, trying to figure out how to organize baby stuff and also pack up a house to hopefully move before baby arrives, still making house choices, juggling two jobs, more church responsibility coming up quickly, and various family health issues popping up all at the same time, I feel like I am standing in quick sand looking up at the mountain of my life right now. Let’s not even bring up the financial aspect of all the things we are facing.
Of course I want to focus on the exciting, wonderful parts that are coming. And I’m frustrated that I can’t with all the other things coming at me full force.
It’s really hard not to feel bitter or irritated when more gets asked of my family, especially from those I thought would be more considerate during this time. My belly certainly is a dead giveaway that we have a lot going on besides all of the other things that may not be as obvious to others. I’ve been STRUGGLING with those feelings for the past month now.
And everyone has their own stuff they are dealing with, their own mountains. But somehow we all get so focused on our own mountains and forget everyone is staring at their own different sized ones too. Some days that mountain seems hike-able, and on others it grows in size.
Let’s be honest too. Trying to be mindful of other people’s mountains seems like it is just another thing on your to-do list so we’d all just rather not think of others when our mountain is just too big on certain days.
It’s selfish, I know. But you know you’ve done it, and I’m right there with you. When your plate is beyond full and your cup is so dry it is crumbling in front of you, you just don’t have the mental, emotional, and physical capacity for anything else. I also don’t really have a solution or advice to offer in those times either. I’m still navigating one of my own.
Prayer is the only tool I have in my box but once I say amen my mountain doesn’t just disappear in front of me. I won’t lie to you and say everything is magically fixed by prayer either in those tough times. It helps though by making me feel less alone, especially where I feel lonely a good bit these weeks.
I am thankful I have a savior I can run to for the big and small mountains, and all the sweet moments in between. When I’m sinking against the shadow of my tallest mountain, I still have hope because I know Jesus is sitting right there with me. I also don’t beat myself up too much for feeling overwhelmed and upset by the mountain being there either. We are allowed to feel that too. I was never under the illusion that just because I am saved by Jesus’ blood that there will never be mountains and that I have to be happy at all times.
This season, although there are several wonderful things we are looking forward to at the end of this year, we are also overwhelmed, tired, and trying to figure out how to tackle a giant mountain right now. Scripture never said God won’t give you more than you can handle. Frankly, we can handle nothing on our own. I don’t care how independent you think you are. He gives you the breath in your lungs.
So yeah, it probably is more than you can handle. God just promises to stay with you and show you the way over the mountain. Also, because I believe in the power of prayer, I’ll also ask for a tunnel through the mountain too if it is in His will. Right now, I’m just asking for assistance in lacing up my hiking boots though. Have to start at least somewhere.
Mirror, Mirror 