Demon in the Shadows

I’m prepared to be called crazy. I’m prepared to not be believed. Well, I think I am. Regardless of how tough I hope my skin is, I’m going to share this anyway because God laid it on my heart to do so.

A couple weeks back Daniel and I were talking about tough things going on in our lives and some circumstances we were analyzing. He is so brutally honest, and I know he will tell me if I was in the wrong or if I could have done something better. We were talking about our actions and whether they glorified God or not. We prayed about it too. He argued that I had done the right thing, but I was still upset about it because I was getting push back from others on my decisions. We also reminded ourselves that following Christ and making tough decisions was not supposed to be easy, and we were never meant to live a life of peace. Opposition will always be there for the Christian living in this broken world.

I’m not saying I’m perfect. I’m not bragging or tooting my own horn. Please don’t miss the point I’m trying to get across, because there are plenty of times, more than I care to admit, where I was in the wrong and messed up in God’s eyes. However, on this circumstance I’m also not seeking validation or an ego boost. I really just want to share my encounter with how powerful the name of Jesus can be during battles when we call upon Him.

Daniel and I ended our conversation believing we did what was right according to God’s Word, and we went to bed with peace. It was some point in the night I woke with an odd feeling. My dogs were growling real low at the hallway. Daniel was fast asleep. I can’t explain the feeling that came over me, but I sensed our house was under attack.

There was no physical human being in the house. From the bed I could see into the hallway, and I could see this odd shadow on the wall, and I could feel the goosebumps rise on my arms. I immediately started praying. I knew whatever was out in the hallway was not of God. I prayed for this presence, this demon, to leave this house for we are covered by the blood of Jesus Christ and He did not give us spirits of fear.

Now, some might explain this away that I was dreaming, or my mind played tricks on me. Or that my dogs were having a dream and growling at nothing. They have been known to bark at unmoving, suspicious tree stumps before. I tried to rationalize it myself into a more believable reason.

I woke up the next morning thinking it could have all been a dream. Most of the time I forget my dreams pretty much immediately, but this one was seared in my brain. It wasn’t until I got to work that my husband, who did not wake the previous night, asked why I kept mentioning hell over and over last night. I then laughed out loud.

His question revealed to me I certainly hadn’t been dreaming because I vividly remembering praying out loud, “Go back to hell, you demon.” I also woke up with such peace the next morning after this occurrence. I slept soundly after praying because I had put my trust in the Lord during a scary moment. You also best believe I cover our house in prayer more often now.

Maybe it was just an odd shadow. Maybe my dogs were spooked for no reason. Maybe my mind was playing tricks on me.

But one thing I can truly without a doubt confess is the peace over my soul by just calling on Jesus when the hair raised on my arms. I felt a calm come over me as I entered into prayer with my Savior, for there is nothing impossible for Him. His dominion is over all, and nothing stands a chance whether it be Satan, a demon, a mind trick, or an easily explainable shadow.

Another thing I know for certain is that it doesn’t matter if you pray all the time or only every once in a while, read your Bible devoutly, go to church every Sunday, or serve others when no one is watching. Nothing you do will protect you from the enemy, except the blood of Jesus Christ. If you believe in our Heavenly Father and that He sent His Son to pay the price for our sinful souls, then the enemy will do whatever he can to prevent you from furthering God’s Kingdom.

I don’t know about you, but when I hear that someone or something is against me and the ones I love, my hackles raise a bit. It puts me on edge and on the defensive. This world through strings pulled by Satan is attacking Christ and His believers, but what I find rest in is that Christ already won the war. I read the end to this story. I have assurance in the enemy’s defeat. And our best defense as we live out what time we have left is to rest fully in God’s Word, pray without ceasing, and share the gospel as much as possible with those who still walk in the dark.

During Sunday School this month we discussed spiritual warfare. Boy oh boy is it real. We don’t always see with our eyeballs the fight going on for good and evil. Sometimes the demonic world is dressed up as common things in society, and sometimes they reveal themselves in the shadows of your home. Regardless, believers remain under attack. Satan wants to ruin and beat down what God loves. He wants to ruin marriage, kindness, patience, love, service, our identities as God made them, and creation itself. He’s great at deceiving. He’s the master of disguise, dressing up his attack as things society should tolerate, accept, and be okay with even though it goes against God’s Word. Satan undermining God’s Word is not a new concept, and I for one am really tired of it.

I don’t know when Christ is coming back. There is lots of talk about the signs. I am still trying to understand the Scriptures, end times, and prophecies of what is to come too. I doubt I will ever fully understand while I breathe air on this earth. I just know that Jesus is coming back for his church, and in the midst of all the craziness and busyness and distractions in this world, my heart feels lighter when I am in prayer. When I feel helpless, I bow my head. When I feel like I have no purpose, I close my eyes. When I feel like my hope has been taken, I cry out “Father, show me the way.”

I accepted Christ at seven years old. I am so thankful I had Jesus in my heart from such a young age, but just because I am in His palm, it did not keep Satan from trying to call me out of the light into the darkness. Sometimes I got lost down paths I should not have gone down. Insecurity, anxiety, depression, and loneliness called out to me often and frequent. God kept calling me back. There were points I thought I had gone too far down a road to be welcomed back into the Light, but that was just a lie planted in my heart.

God called me out of those things for He did not give me a spirit of fear, loneliness, anxiety, depression, worthlessness, and He certainly has a purpose for me.

Not long after my surreal experience of calling out for God’s protection in the middle of the night over my family and house, I had a moment of where I questioned years of work and my purpose. If the enemy can’t get you tripped up one way, he will definitely try another moment of weakness when you least expect it.

Ever since I was little I wanted to be a published author with my name on a shiny book cover. I wrote stories for fun, for my family, and for myself all the time. I dreamed about fictional characters. In college, my fiction class made me think I didn’t have what it takes to be a fiction writer. I had some professors make me think I couldn’t string two sentences together for even a simple essay paper. So, I tried my hand at poetry, something I hated as a kid. I fell in love with writing poems, but then in my advanced classes I started second guessing myself once again. I still held on to the dream that one day I will have a published book in my hands.

I was fortunate to get some scholarly essays published during my college years. I even got one poem published in an international journal. It was encouraging, and I kept working on my poetry collection in hopes it would become my first book published. Friends and family would occasionally ask me how the book writing was coming along. I always pushed off compiling it because then I would have no excuse to not look into publishing. I first used COVID as an excuse, then I was too busy teaching full-time and adjusting as a baby teacher. Then I focused on being a newlywed. Or coaching volleyball. Or all my church activities.

Well, this year I made it a goal to finish the poetry book and try to publish it. I finished the book last month and started researching what to do next. I looked and looked. I didn’t want to spend a fortunate on money I didn’t have. I also knew poetry does not have a huge fan base either. In the end, I tried self-publishing, designed a cover, and all was ready for me to hit submit to be released. Then I deleted my entire profile.

It wasn’t because I didn’t love my book. It wasn’t because I thought no one would like it. It wasn’t because I was scared I would lose friendships or relationships with others once they read it. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to share my hard work with others.

I deleted it because I asked myself for whose purpose I was doing it for. Of course, several poems are about God. Of course, I told myself that “hey my words might help someone else!” But when I asked myself who I was publishing this book for, I knew deep down it was for myself, and that just wasn’t good enough. My reasons felt selfish, and I didn’t want my work to be misconstrued as something against God. I still don’t know everything, nor will I ever, about Him. I’m still learning and growing each day in my walk.

This was just not the time to publish my book. As much as I wanted to, I just couldn’t do it in the end. Once I deleted my publishing account, after working endlessly on getting everything ready for submission, I hit a wall and then went down a deep hole. I also felt doubled discouraged and exhausted because I thought I had just come out of a battle (my crazy night) and had time to recover before something else happened.

I really questioned what all of it was for if my book wasn’t going to come to fruition. I felt like I wasted years of my life on this dream. I felt like I wasted my time and education. I felt like I wasted my family’s investment in my dream. I felt like I had no purpose, and I did a real hard look at myself and the talents I thought I was given. I questioned if I was just too scared to put myself out there.

I didn’t stay in this disappointment long. The next day I talked with Daniel and my mom. They encouraged me to at least print out my manuscript, spiral bind it, and keep for myself even if I don’t share it with anyone else, let alone try and publish and sell copies. So, I made a homemade copy of my cherished poems and for now I am content with my progress on my dream. I don’t feel like it was all for nothing. I am still breathing, so God is not done with me yet.

Writing has always made me happy. It has been a comfort, and therapeutic to sort out the mess in my mind. I’ll keep blogging as God prompts me with a topic each month, which has been such a surprise to me. Nonfiction writing was never something I imagined myself doing. I’ll keep writing poems in my spare time. I might even try my hand again at some fiction. But I will keep my focus on my heavenly Father and what He wants me to do next. I’m not sure what that might be, but I know He has a purpose for me for His glory. I will be diligent in seeking what that is, and discern any temptation for self-seeking glory.

I say all this to hopefully encourage, and warn, any reader that if you are a believer to stick close to our Father in prayer. You might just have battled a demon feeling victorious and secure in your identity as a child of God. Watch your steps, cling to the light, because when you least expect you will be under attack in another unexpected way.

If you aren’t a believer, then I hope this not only encourages you to look to the one and only God who loves us, for salvation, but also to urge you to do so before it is too late. Regarding His return, Jesus said “Therefore you also must be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an hour you do not expect,” (Matthew 24:44). No human being can prepare perfectly for every contingency and know what will happen next in this world, but we can take control of making sure our heart is ready for Jesus.