Warning: Below contains the confessions of a recovering, self-serving perfectionist.
I’m the first born, the first grandchild on both sides of the family, and the first niece. I grew up setting the pace, being first to do something, and hitting milestones before others. In school, I strived for the top grades, often excelled at sports, and generally gave my best in all I did. I liked hearing the “you’re so good!” And somewhere along the way I stopped hearing the “I love you because you are you” and thought love could only be transactional, and if I wanted it, I had to do all the things and do it the best so I will be chosen. My love language isn’t even words of affirmation, but I craved the validation letting me know I was doing good.
Before you think, “oh you had THOSE parents. The ones who got mad if you didn’t get A’s, or weren’t a starter on a sports’ team, or punished you if you messed up. That’s why you are like that,” don’t because you’ll have to eat crow.
My parents and family members of course encouraged me along the way in all I did, cheering me on and praying for the best outcomes in my favor. They never made me feel like I was a failure if I missed the mark at something or messed up.
For example, it’s not often you hear a parent asking a coach to remove their child out of a valued position, such as clean-up hitter in softball, but my mom did in my last softball tournament ever. I was spent and not performing at top notch. She was right in suggesting to give up my position for someone else who could do the job better. She wasn’t being cruel to me or telling me I wasn’t good enough, but that my best that day was not what the team needed or deserved. In the moment I might have heard she didn’t believe in me, but that wasn’t it at all. In hindsight, especially after being on the coaching side, I completely agree with her.
On the other hand, sure, I got punished when sinned against God, disobeyed my parents’ wishes, or simply misbehaved, but I did not face the wrath of anyone if I made a B or below, or struck out at the plate. I only got a strong talking to when I wasn’t trying or putting in much effort.
And that talk was based on analyzing my actions with the measure of “did I give my best” in everything with the intention of glorifying God. I also was taught my best looks differently each day. Did I listen to that part? Well…
I internalized and rationalized if I made top marks one time, then that was the measuring stick every time. So you can imagine the defeat, discouragement, and just shame I felt each time I messed up in general, got a question wrong on a test, or made mistakes during a game. I had teachers and coaches to encourage me to take the mistakes and learn from them, and then I also had some fueling into my disheartened spirit when I was already beating myself up. It’s not hard to guess which type I responded better to and bounced back as a student or player.
As I’ve grown older and witnessed several kids and teenagers feel what I did in growing up, I realized I could be one of those encouragers and model the “you can either grow and learn from it, or stay where you are at, stuck.”
And as a recovering perfectionist, I still get that twitch in my eye if something is out of place in my house. God sent my husband to help me get over the “everything must be in its place” standard. He sent me dogs to learn to live with the dirt and not obsess every time I see dog hair tumbleweed in my hallway.
Don’t worry, I still clean my house very regularly! I just am working on with not freaking out or getting bogged down by the chores to the point where I miss the joyful moments of living with our little fur baby family. Sometimes my house doesn’t get cleaned as thoroughly as I would like each week, and I’ve adapted to being tolerant of this fact. It’s okay if I’m not the best housekeeper. I definitely embrace not being a great chef.
I also had this twisted notion I had to do all the things and be helpful to everyone in order for them to like or love me. I didn’t understand when friends or boys wouldn’t stay. I thought I had to make the best gifts or volunteer to do all the activities at church in order for people to see me as valuable. If I colored outside the lines on a picture I wanted to gift to someone, I’d throw it away and start over. It had to be perfect on the surface and literally on paper in all I did, or I felt like I wasn’t going to be enough in someone else’s eyes.
I got caught up in a selfish identity searching for perfection as a student, ball player, employee, daughter, etc. I wanted to not just do my best, but be THE best in every title I possessed. Pride and ego quickly got in the way. Maybe I adopted this attitude and viewpoint through numerous awards’ ceremonies in academics and sports over the years. Maybe it was through the competitive society and culture we live in. Maybe it’s a product of anxiety and depression. Maybe it’s just the weakness the enemy knows where to attack me best. However, I can definitely tell you where I did not get it: God’s Holy Bible.
His Word tells me that “He has shown you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?” (Micah 6:8)
Thank the Lord my God does not require me to be the best housekeeper and maintain a spotless house at all times, or be a perfect wife because I fail every day, whether it be in my actions or thoughts. From us, God requires justice, a love for kindness, and to walk humbly at His side. A good bit of this lesson is about my journey with humbling myself.
“And Jesus answered him, ‘It is written, you shall worship the Lord your God, and Him only shall you serve.” (Luke 4:8)
Heavenly Father, forgive me when I have placed my grades, my jobs, my relationships, my sports, and all other accomplishments above You. You have taught me being the best at all my roles is not necessary and only leads to heartache and dissatisfaction with myself. Focusing on being good at the roles in my life (writer, employee, teacher, coach, daughter, wife, sister, student, team player, etc.) for the sake of your glory should be the main goal! None of my titles matter, except in the delight and fruit they bear for you.
“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.” (James 4:10)
Your reminder of humbleness brings me back to earth, and brings comfort that you do not love me for all the things I have done. I cannot earn your love or anyone else’s. You give it freely without conditions, and those here on earth who truly love me for me, do the same as they love through your example.
“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not as a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” (Ephesians 2:8-10)
If I was responsible for my salvation, I would fail miserably as an imperfect human. Father, use the talents you have gifted me for your glory to further your kingdom, and humble me when my ego tries to overthrow your glory. Thank you Jesus for saving me by grace through my faith in you. For I am nothing without you!
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)
Please use my faults, shortcomings, imperfections, and mistakes to turn them into a masterpiece you construct from the ashes.
“Thus says the Lord: ‘Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord.'” (Jeremiah 9:23-24)
Father, thank you for your endless steadfast love and mercy you bestow on us! May we be continually reminded of this and keep you front most of our lives.
“We love because he first loved us.” (1 John 4:19)
I write this on my heart to remind me the love I give and receive comes from the love our Father gives to us.
“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:3-4)
I pray I place others before myself, see my neighbor through my Father’s eyes, and never forget I am a child of God, but also an imperfect human who cannot compare or compete with the perfection that is our God.
So, while I still catch my flesh attempting to focus on perfection which lifts me up instead of my God and His glory, I have grown some in this regard after focusing on God’s Word in some recent seasons of life. I pray God continues to shape my heart and help me overcome this selfish notion. Here’s a little example of His working on me:
The past couple of months I worked on sewing/ hand-stitching baby blankets for some special little girls in my life. They were to be birthday presents, and when I first set out on this project I thought it was going to be a breeze. I’m not a professional seamstress by any means, but I have had experience in making blankets and quilts. I researched some how-to instructions for the particular type of material I wanted to use and felt it was easily attainable based on my experience.
But oh boy did I not anticipate my struggle with keeping satin binding straight, or my embroidering to go ka-put on my machine. Very similar to how we often approach things in life. They tend to not go as planned.
So my supposed easy project turned into a stressful endeavor which took a whole lot more time than I anticipated. I raced against the clock in finishing each one, but I did finish them all in time. I cringed while wrapping them up because I knew not a single blanket was perfect. Some of the stitching or material pulled at places. The names I had to hand embroider didn’t turn out exactly how I intended. Before giving them, I half- contemplated trashing them and going to buy a toy instead, but was reminded of the fact I made these from love. Through my experience in making the blankets, I discovered a lesson far more important I wished to impart on the recipients beyond just the physical, cozy gift.
Life will never be perfect. We will never be perfect, but even through our flaws and mistakes something beautiful can be found too. My youngest niece certainly didn’t care that her blankie corners weren’t completely identical as she snuggled on my lap, brushing the satin binding against her cheek for comfort. She loved that little blankie, and I hope as she grows bigger she will take comfort in knowing she never has to present perfection in order to be loved or drop to her knees in prayer. I pray all my sweet little recipients know there is nothing they can do to earn the love of our Heavenly Father through the things they will do, and only through Jesus, we are made whole.
Another example I recently experienced that aptly wraps up my feelings of overcoming being perfect in order to receive love is the “Somebody to You” song by Rachael Lampa. God sent it as a reminder and I heard it on the radio, and instead of just nodding my head absentmindedly, I actually listened to the lyrics, with tears welling up. Below are verse 1, the chorus, and verse 2:
[Verse 1]
They say you’re only as good as your last success
And failure’s not an option
Maybe that’s why I’m exhausted
Held so tight to their applause that
When it stopped, I thought that Yours would too
Till You said my heart to You’s worth everything, ooh
[Chorus]
Don’t gotta be somebody when I’m already somebody to You
Got nothing to prove anymore
So there’s nothing to lose anymore
You’re gonna keep on loving me for more than just the things that I do
I’ll sing it till there’s no doubt
Nobody can count me out
‘Cause I’m already somebody to You, ooh
I’m already somebody to You, ooh
[Verse 2]
I release my reputation
The name that I was making for myself
For a story only You can tell
If You said I was to die for
Then I don’t have to strive for Your attention
‘Cause my heart is worth nothing less than everything, ooh
https://lyricstranslate.com/en/rachael-lampa-somebody-you-lyrics.html
I didn’t include all the lyrics, but if the intro touched your heart and resonated with you as it did with me, please go give it a listen and praise the Lord for you being somebody to Him.
Mirror, Mirror 